


Predetermined Destiny

by the_aidangaile



Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Happy Ending, Friends to Enemies to Friends to Lovers, HLVRAI, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, dark at times, evil g-man, i dont know anything about the hl games please dont murder me, i mean the slow burn tag, not a major plot point but it's definitely in there, seriously, so be careful, sometimes, thats not a typo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:22:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_aidangaile/pseuds/the_aidangaile
Summary: What if the Science Team spent longer in Black Mesa? Long enough that Gordon started to fall for Benrey? Long enough that Benrey fell for Gordon, too?What if Benrey betrayed Gordon anyway?
Relationships: Benrey & Bubby & Tommy Coolatta & Dr. Coomer & Gordon Freeman, Benrey & Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), past Benrey/Tommy Coolatta
Comments: 64
Kudos: 145





	1. How do you sleep when reality feels like a nightmare?

**Author's Note:**

> Me in the avoiding writing my other wips by starting a new one :)  
> Like it said in the summary, in this au the squad takes longer to traverse Black Mesa, which allows time for bonds to form that didn't in canon. It's going to start out pretty fluffy, for at least the first handful of chapters, but PLEASE be warned that this fic is going to get dark! I will provide warnings for every chapter and if you ever need something warned for let me know. I plan on a happy ending, but it's gotta get bad before it can get better.

When the group decided they’d been through enough for one day and needed a rest, Gordon’s instinct was to go along with it. He was tired, too; sure, he’d been late to work, but he had woken up early, and the test (and its consequences) took a lot out of him. It probably wasn’t as late as it felt, it had only been an hour or two since they were in the lockers, but those hours had been spent fighting off literal aliens, something Gordon tried to wrap his mind around but was struggling to come to terms with. Sure, he had a PhD in theoretical physics and understood the concept of a portal/wormhole that could, again, theoretically bring aliens to the surface of planet earth, but studying theories in textbooks is entirely different from watching the proof right in front of your eyes.

Needless to say, he was worn out. The mental, physical, and emotional stress he was in felt like a force strong enough to collapse his body right then and there, and they had reached what seemed to be a relatively secure room. Dr. Coomer announced he was tired, with Bubby and Tommy agreeing immediately. The three sat down (with Dr. Coomer and Bubby close to each other, Gordon noted) and that was that, they were taking a break. Not that Gordon could complain. He knew the route out of here without being able to use the trains would be an arduous one, and apparently not without risk of fatalities.

Without a way of turning out the lights, the team made do, Tommy curling up in one corner facing the wall, with Dr. Coomer and Bubby nearly cuddling in another. Gordon turned to the strange security guard.

“Well, which corner do you want?”

The security guard, Benrey? Shrugged before sitting down, but not in a corner. In fact, he was basically in the center of the room.

“...Or you can sleep there, if you’d prefer,” Gordon said, mostly to himself but loud enough that Benrey could hear him if he wanted to.

Benrey shrugged again. “Bro I’m not sleeping are you crazy someone has to keep a look out for more of those alien thingies. Plus, like, you don’t have your passport so I need to watch you to make sure you don’t steal shit.”

Fucking. Gordon inhaled evenly, trying to keep himself calm. People were dying, and that’s what the man was focused on? A fucking passport? “Yeah, okay man. Do whatever. I’m gonna get some rest.”

Benrey let out a small “hmm”, not the weird glowing voice thing he did, just a sound of acknowledgement. Gordon made himself as comfortable as he could in the suit, which was absolutely not comfortable at all, and faced the wall, trying to block out as much of the bright room as possible so he could sleep.

Problem 1: for some reason, Gordon felt weird with the security guard watching him. Except, the guard wasn’t really watching him, was he? The few times Gordon snuck looks at Benrey, he had been faced the other way. Yet Gordon had been sure that he could feel Benrey’s eyes on him. He didn’t know what to make of it.

Problem 2: every time Gordon closed his eyes for more than a second, his mind flooded with images of the people he’d killed.

And it was more than just the elevator. The people who had died from the Resonance Cascade had died because of Gordon, too. He had, in every way that matters, murdered them. Not to mention the survivors that had met their fates at the hands of the other members of his group. He was responsible by association, because he hadn’t stopped them.

His mind filled with thick, dark red splatters that wouldn’t go away, even as the sound of someone (Dr. Coomer?) snoring filled the small room.

Eventually he couldn’t take it. Gordon sat up, breathing more heavily than he’d realized, and took in his surroundings.

Not much had changed in the room, it was still damaged from the Resonance Cascade and his companions were still curled up in the corners, save for Benrey, who sat on an abandoned desk. It was the fact that this hadn’t changed, however, that shocked Gordon. He had been lying down for at least an hour, he expected the guard to lie down at some point. Yet, the shaded figure remained, unmoving, in his place.

Well, he was already awake, and Gordon was sick of having nothing to focus on but his guilt. He got up quietly enough to not wake the others, but loud enough that it caught Benrey’s attention. Gordon pointed to the entrance to the room before silently walking outside. Benrey followed.

“Yo uhhh I thought you were gonna sleep. What happened.”

Gordon walked down the hallway a bit so that they could talk in comfortable tones without risking waking the sleeping scientists, before picking a spot relatively clear of damage and sitting down. “Yeah, that didn’t exactly work out that well.”

“Not tired?” Benrey asked before sitting somewhat next to him.

Gordon shook his head slightly. “I WISH I could fall asleep right now. I’m exhausted. I just...”

He hesitated. Gordon wasn’t sure he wanted to open up to Benrey. They’d known each other less than a day, and most of that time they’d been... less than friendly towards each other.

To his relief, Benrey didn’t press. Instead, the subject of sleep was dropped entirely. “So uhhh. What do you think of all this shit.”

The way Benrey phrased questions made them sound more like statements. His intonation was pretty flat a lot of the time, which surprised Gordon since he’d seen Benrey do that weird singing... the Sweet Voice? Was that what it was called?

“Care to elaborate? Dunno if you’ve noticed, man, but there’s, like, a LOT of shit happening right now.”

Benrey made a small gesture around the hallway. “I dunno, like. How do you feel about aliens n shit.”

“The scientist in me is thrilled right now, if I’m being perfectly honest. Proof of extraterrestrial life? That might not fall under my specific area of study, but I can still recognize how huge that is.” Gordon laughed a little. He hadn’t really focused on that aspect yet, had he? It was a little crazy, that despite all the bad shit that had happened, there was a part of him that was thrilled by all of this like a six year old being handed an illustrated book on astronomy. But then he remembered the other shit. “On the other hand... people are dying, y’know, from these creatures. I can’t say I’m very fond of them in that sense.”

Benrey made another “mmm” sound. There was silence for a moment, save for the hum of electricity and the distant snores of Dr. Coomer, until Benrey spoke again. “I think they’re kinda shit.”

Gordon laughed. “Shit like my son is?”

“See exactly you get it.”

It was fast, and Gordon nearly missed it, but Benrey smiled. Genuinely. And it caught Gordon off guard. He expected Benrey to have the kind of “I’m a little shit and I know it” smile, but the one he barely caught was soft, private, real.

Huh.

As soon as it came it was gone, though, and Benrey noticed Gordon’s staring. “You okay bro? You’re like... all spaced out and shit.”

Gordon shook himself. “Yeah, just tired. You know.”

The slightly uncomfortable silence returned, and Benrey broke it once again. “Yo you’re like not having a great time are you?”

“Is it that obvious?” Gordon laughed softly, bitterly.

“I don’t blame you bro I uh. I get it. Like I don’t really sleep much to begin with but I doubt I could after all that even if I was tired.”

Gordon studied Benrey, which wasn’t easy with the dark shadow cast by his helmet covering most of his face. The man seemed so different in this moment, almost like he was letting his guard down, at least to some extent.

“Hey, can I ask you a question?” Gordon asked.

“Pretty sure you just did.”

“Ha ha,” Gordon rolled his eyes only slightly, and there was the shit-eating grin Gordon had expected from Benrey. “Seriously, though.”

Benrey shrugged, which seemed to be the most expressive he got. “Go for it I guess.”

“Why did you follow me into the test chamber? Seriously?”

Benrey opened his mouth to answer, but hesitated a few seconds before responding. “I dunno. Curious. And you don’t have your passport, I have to follow you.”

Gordon sighed. “Okay, you don’t have to tell me, man. I was only curious because... well, it was almost like you knew something bad would happen.”

“Yeah, of course it would, you didn’t have your passport.”

“For some reason I don’t believe you.”

Benrey opened his mouth to respond once more, but this time words didn’t come out. Instead came a stream of colorful colors, lavender to... blue ice? And Benrey looked a bit surprised to see it, like he hadn’t intended to use his weird but mesmerizing powers.

“How does that even work?” Gordon asked, and Benrey seemed a bit startled at the question.

“Oh, uh... y’know. Black Mesa Sweet Voice. It’s like... I dunno, a way to communicate emotions I guess? Some of them do other things though, like healing... I can heal minor injuries with it.”

“Huh.” Gordon stared at the colors floating in the air and watched them as they faded. “So what was that one?”

Benrey avoided the question. “Hey, uh, if you’d really like some sleep, there’s one I can do, ‘Calm Down’, it could, like, stop whatever’s keeping you awake if you’d like.”

Huh. Gordon hadn’t expected that. “Yeah, man, if that’s not too big of an ask that would help a lot.”

Benrey closed his eyes, like he was taking a moment to focus, before a stream of vivid blue bubbles left his mouth. Gordon had seen ths one before. As Benrey’s voice faded, Gordon realized that he was, in fact, calming down. The stress that had been plaguing him was reduced to nothing more than a small whisper at the back of his mind. He was immediately exhausted, even moreso than before.

“Wow, okay, I need to... lie down...”

Gordon closed his eyes, and felt sleep begin to take him, but before he lost his grasp on consciousness he felt a pair of arms wrap around him and lift him from the floor. “Let’s get you back to the others, can’t keep you from stealing shit and stop them from getting murdered by aliens at the same time if you’re out here.”

It... shocked Gordon, how okay he was with Benrey carrying him back to the other room. Maybe it was the “Calm Down” beam, but Gordon didn’t think that was it, at least not entirely.

No, Gordon recognized this. It was early, new, and still small, so small it was hardly there, and it was something he hadn’t felt in a very long time, but he knew what it was all the same.

His fascination with his strange companion had turned into a crush, as easily as if he was back in middle school. It hadn't even been a day.

How embarrassing.


	2. Trauma brings people together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day. Basically chapter one but from Benrey's pov, featuring bonding between Gordon and Benrey and some personal things revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Benrey hints at a bunch of shit he's been through in his internal dialogue in this chapter. Nothing is really discussed yet because yknow Storytelling so I don't think anything needs warned for but let me know if you need anything tagged !  
> Also two chapters in like 12 hours lol don't expect regular updates like this

Benrey started panicking after he gently set Gordon in the corner. Fuck, he wasn’t good with humans. Had he just overstepped a boundary?

He forced himself to breathe as he looked around the room at the other scientists. It was fine. This was fine. He just... wouldn’t do it again.

Maybe.

He’d ask Tommy what he thought later.

Speaking of, Benrey would be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved to see his oldest and only friend still in one piece. Tommy was shaking slightly and, that’s right, humans can’t thermoregulate for shit. Tommy was probably cold on the floor.

Benrey glanced around the room and saw an abandoned lab coat lying in the corner, folded. He bit the inside of his lip a bit, forcing himself to be calm at its sight, it’s no different than seeing Dr. Coomer or Professor Bubby wearing one, and brought it over to Tommy’s corner, draping it over his friend’s almost skeletal frame.

Watching Tommy hurt, some. All he could think about were the times they’d kept each other safe by holding one another through the night, or even when it was less a safety concern and more of a comfort thing, the way they used to hold hands and mimick each other’s breathing.

Tommy had broken up with him nearly eight months ago, but Benrey still missed it.

He didn’t blame Tommy. Not in any way. Growing up the way they had... of course they became close. Close enough that they assumed it was love, and not just in the platonic sense. But when Tommy... left Benrey behind, so to speak, and Tommy was able to interact with more people and form new bonds, he realized that what he felt for Benrey was not romantic.

And that had stung.

Benrey didn’t say anything to Tommy, because how was he supposed to say anything that wouldn’t make his friend feel guilted into something he didn’t want? But ever since they broke up, Benrey felt alone.

It didn’t matter that they were still best friends. Not for Benrey’s shitty emotions, anyways.

Which was what made things with Gordon... weird.

Benrey didn’t typically find humans attractive. He usually hated every one of their dumb faces equally. This included the two older scientists in the room; Benrey knew about their... histories, but his mind still hated the way they looked because the way they look is human, and Benrey does not do humans. Not after what they’ve done to him.

Tommy was the exception. Tommy was the outlier, the deviation from the rule. Tommy was a human he liked the sight of, because Tommy meant good things. Tommy was good.

So it surprised Benrey, a lot, when he found himself looking at Gordon a bit too much.

It wasn’t intentional. It definitely wasn’t the reason why Benrey was following him around (see: passport). But it happened as a side effect, Benrey supposed. He was keeping a close eye on Gordon, making sure that he didn’t fuck anything up (which. He did but Benrey could let it slide), so he was noticing things about the man that he probably wouldn’t have seen, otherwise. Like how balanced his facial features were, every part of his face complimenting the surrounding ones.

Benrey had to stop himself from staring like a creep. But he couldn’t deny, Gordon was attractive in a weird, alien way.

That’s why he kept stealing glances at the man while he was asleep. Which, okay, maybe that was more creepy than before, but whatever. It wasn’t like Benrey was studying him obsessively.

He had... liked talking to him in the hallway, though. Turns out the piece of shit who not only didn’t bring his ID, but also caused a Resonance Cascade and the deaths of tens of people was actually... not so bad. It definitely helped somewhat calm Benrey’s anxieties about fucking up so hard about letting Gordon pass without his passport.

Not entirely calm. But somewhat.

He couldn’t afford to fuck up. This was his only chance.

Benrey snuck another look at Gordon and sighed, remembering the Sweet Voice from earlier. Lavender to blue ice... this is surprisingly nice. Benrey expected to hate Gordon despite how... good looking he was, for a human. But that turned out to not be the case.

Benrey put his hands over his mouth as he felt Sweet Voice forming, doing his best to stop it but unable to. Oh well, at least he was quiet, and thats two for two on Sweet Voice moments Tommy couldn’t translate for anyone else.

Sun yellow to blue, I’ve got a crush on you.

* * *

Tommy was the first one up, but he was followed by the others after only a few minutes.

“Good morning, Benrey!” Tommy said cheerfully. “Was your- your night okay?”

Benrey shrugged. “Yeah I guess.”

Tommy grinned. “Good! I- I’m glad!”

Benrey smiled slightly, but only to cover the pain at talking to Tommy. It wasn’t fair to Tommy to be upset, especially after so long. He let his smile fade quickly, though, since the others were waking up.

“If we don’t get out of this place soon I’m going to light something on fire,” announced one of the scientists, Bubby? Benrey was pretty sure that was Bubby... yep, bingo.

“Good idea, Bubby! Arson might help boost group morale!” said who had to be Dr. Coomer and Benrey couldn’t decide whether to get annoyed that they were already acting this way after just waking up, or amused that their eccentricities seemingly had no off switch.

With four members of the party awake and ready to move on, waiting for Gordon was making the group antsy. Or, specifically, Bubby. They had waited maybe five minutes for Gordon to wake up before Bubby decided he was going to drag Gordon with them as they advanced through Black Mesa.

The only person who objected was Tommy, and it was half-hearted. Benrey thought it was hilarious.

So, 20 minutes later, they all jumped when Gordon woke up disoriented and screamed.

“Yo dude calm down you’re being kinda cringe,” Benrey said, which earned him a glare from Freeman. Cringeman. Gordon Cringeman. Haha. Nice.

“Well excuse me for being freaked out about waking up like that!”

Benrey laughed. Once. A small one. “It was funny though.”

Gordon got himself situated and the group continued traversing the lab, encountering more Xen creatures as they went.

Benrey didn’t miss these guys for a second.

He laughed softly, to himself, despite how much this angered him. The irony of it. He supposed he had Black Mesa to thank for his continued existence; there’s no way he would have been able to survive on Xen. It made him feel... disgusted? He owed his life to Black Mesa, despite... everything.

He pushed those thoughts away and joined Gordon’s side. “Hey uhhhh how’s it going.”

“Well, it would be a lot better if I hadn’t been startled awake like that!” Gordon yawned, and Benrey could tell Gordon wasn’t truly that upset. He wanted to get out of here as much as the others did, and didn’t he have a kid at home? Benrey decided to ask about that.

“Yeah well everyone was ready to keep moving, gotta get out of here, bro, don’t you like have a son or something.”

Gordon’s face fell into what Benrey thought was... anguish? “Yeah. I’m worried about him.”

Fuck. “Is he, like, on his own right now?”

“I fucking hope he’s not. Kid’s only 18 months.” Gordon sighed and, yeah, his voice was shaking. Fuck. Way to go, Benrey. “I had dropped him off at his sitter before coming in to work yesterday, and if I didn’t show up to get him... his aunt is listed as an emergency contact. She’ll have picked him up,” he said, as if he was trying to convince himself of that fact.

Change the subject, Benrey. “So uh. You’re like. This great cool scientist or something huh. Everyone was acting like you were some sorta celebrity yesterday.”

Gordon snorted. Good. “Yeah, fuck if I know why they were acting that way. I mean, I know this test was meant to be a big deal and all, but it wasn’t supposed to be, like, the scientific breakthrough of the century or anything.”

Benrey shrugged. “Yeah, well, none of them wanted to risk getting their asses exposed to radiation, so maybe that makes you like. I dunno. The hero of the story or something.”

Gordon laughed, and Benrey couldn’t help his smile. “Yeah, right. I’m not a hero, I’m just the idiot who didn’t protest when they chose me for the test.”

“Maybe stupidity is your super power, what do you think Freeman? ‘Too dumb to not play the hero’?”

Gordon elbowed him and Benrey smiled again. They fell into comfortable silence as they marched through the hallways, and Benrey couldn’t help but admire his new... friend? Were they friends yet? Once more. Gordon really was attractive.

Which... that feeling still confused him, but whatever. They were going to be stuck in Black Mesa for at least another full day, if not more. Benrey would have plenty of time to sort out his emotions.

* * *

When everyone laid down for bed later that day, in a room with the lights off this time, Benrey noticed Gordon hesitating.

“Hey, Benrey, why don’t you let me take watch tonight?”

Oh, that’s why. “Nah, bro, I already said I don’t need a lot of sleep.”

Gordon looked puzzled by that. “Did you? I don’t remember that. All I remember is you saying you needed to watch me so I don’t steal anything.”

Oh. Shit. That’s right, he wasn’t planning on telling Gordon he wasn’t human, since apparently the idiot still hadn’t figured that out. “Uhhhhh yeah that’s what I mean. Can’t be sleeping with all these... criminals to watch over. You’re, like, a criminal.”

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Okay, yeah, sure, whatever man, but you need sleep, too.”

“No I don’t lol.”

“...Did you just say ‘lol’ with your mouth?”

“Shhhhh. Or I’ll use Calm Down on you.”

Gordon shook his head. “Not necessary. I’m taking watch tonight.”

Benrey hesitated. “Okay, but I’m not sleeping either, I, uh, meant the thing about not needing as much sleep.”

Gordon made a noise of acknowledgement. “Some sort of Black Mesa experiment or something? If guards don’t get tired they’re more alert to threats or some bullshit?”

Benrey stared at the floor. “Yeah, or something.”

The pair sat together once more, echoes of the previous night apparent to both of them.

“What’s your life like, Benrey?”

That caught him off guard. “Huh?”

“Yknow. What’s waiting for you outside of Black Mesa?”

Oh, if only Gordon knew. A part of Benrey was tempted to tell him. To explain everything. But... that wouldn’t be right, would it? They still barely knew each other. The poor guy didn’t deserve to have all of Benrey’s shit unloaded onto him. Plus... Benrey wasn’t sure he was ready to discuss that with anyone but Tommy.

“I, uh, was in a relationship... but it ended a few months ago.”

Gordon looked regretful. “Oh. Uh, sorry, man. Didn’t mean to make you bring up something sensitive.”

Benrey shook his head. “No, it’s okay. There’s just... not much else I have, I don’t think? Things have been hard, the only thing I looked forward to was my job,” which was true, but Gordon probably had no idea why, “And now this shit’s happening so. I don’t really know what I’ll do, after all of this.”

Gordon stayed silent for a moment, before speaking once more. “Uh, I know this isn’t the same, but... I lost my husband when Joshie was born. He died in childbirth. And, like, if it wasn’t for the fact that Joshua needed me, I probably would have let myself fall into depression and... give up I guess. So, I kind of understand what you’re going through, I think.”

Benrey was stunned. That... was such a personal detail and Benrey felt completely undeserving of it. What had he done to make Gordon trust him with something like that? He didn’t get a chance to ask, though, because Gordon was speaking again.

“Sorry, that was kind of heavy. I didn’t mean to dump that on you, man.”

Was Gordon worried about being too open, too? That made Benrey think. Maybe he had nothing to worry about, trusting Gordon? Maybe... not tonight, but in the future, maybe Gordon was someone he could talk to, someone he could trust. Because Gordon was right, what he was describing was something Benrey could relate to, just for different reasons. He knew he had one reason to fight off his depression, to keep himself from giving in to despair. It wasn’t a kid, though. It was his best friend who didn’t love him back anymore. Benrey knew how devastated Tommy would be if Benrey was gone.

“Nah, bro, we can totally like. Get deep in the feelings or whatever.”

Gordon hummed.

They sat there, silent, for what must have been an hour, watching for aliens (and finding a few, this part of the lab was more populated). It was clear to Benrey that Gordon was getting tired.

“Okay, like, come here and lie down.”

“What?”

Benrey pointed to a spot on the floor. “You’re like really tired, bro. Lie down.”

“Benrey, I’m fi-”

Benrey cut him off with a beam of Calm Down. “Dude. Sleep. Come on, can’t fight aliens if you’re falling asleep.”

The Sweet Voice worked, like always, and Gordon curled up without a ton of argument. Before he knew it, Gordon was snoring.

Benrey smiled to himself. He was starting to like this routine with Gordon, staying up together after the others were in bed. He wasn’t sure how Gordon felt, but he certainly saw Gordon as a friend, even if it was fun to antagonize him.

And with that, he sighed. Benrey would be lucky if Gordon saw him as a friend, in return. This dumb crush was going to turn out even worse than the Tommy thing.


	3. What Shouldn't Have Been (((Read the Warnings!)))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were going... too right, for Gordon and Benrey. The universe decided to shake things up on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! WARNINGS !!!
> 
> This chapter has major character death, amputation described in detail, manipulation, references to abuse, references to experimentation, and general fucked up shit. This chapter is all hurt no comfort. Things get really bad really fast.
> 
> With that said, this is the chapter where the plot of this story really starts. I just wanted to take time at the beginning to establish that Gordon and Benrey are both falling for each other before I could progress with the more intense shit.

**(((!!! Please don't progress before reading the warnings !!!)))**

Day three and they were actually making good progress this time. Gordon had felt energized that morning, secretly grateful that Benrey had put him to sleep again last night, not that he’d admit it. The team was really stepping up, too, everyone starting to work together when taking down aliens.

Okay, it was still a little rough. Dr. Coomer had a tendency to get scooped up by “barnacles” no matter how many times they told him no, those weren’t ropes, don’t touch them. But that was about the worst of their issues (save for the murder obsession, seriously, can we go ten feet without shooting a random civilian or lighting them on fire somehow? Who was even doing that???).

Benrey was by his side, and the pair was chatting about nothing, the security guard purposefully annoying Gordon in a way that quickly faded into, surprisingly, fondness. When had they grown close like this? It felt like they’d been friends for months.

Gordon supposed it was the circumstances. He felt close to all these idiots, and the only member of the group Gordon had known prior to the Resonance Cascade had been Dr. Coomer. Even then, it had been a formal work relationship. But he supposed the nights with Benrey were what helped him get so attached to the strange security guard so quickly.

That, and his crush, which he was NOT thinking about. People were dying, Gordon.

All things considered, the day was going well, which he should have known was a sign that things were about to go very, very poorly.

The group came to a section of Black Mesa that contained heavy doors, activated as a method of fire containment in the case of an emergency. “Okay, let’s not mess with-”

Tommy shot the button and the door started closing.

“Oh, for fuck’s... COME ON!” Gordon called as he darted to the other side of the door. Everyone followed suit except... Bubby was too far away, he was going to get stuck on the other side.

“I’ll hold it up!” announced Benrey and, fuck, was that even going to work? Benrey seemed determined to try, though, doing his best to hold up the heavy descending door, crouching down as it closed to try to buy Bubby enough time to slip through.

There was a gasp of relief from Dr. Coomer as Bubby slid through the barely wide enough gap. That should have been the end of it, but...

CRUNCH.

Benrey, who had progressively lowered onto his hands and knees to try to continue to hold open the door, collapsed with a cry of pain, still beneath the door. Shit! Gordon darted forward, trying to pull Benrey out, but his legs and part of his abdomen were stuck, despite Gordon’s best efforts. Gordon grasped Benrey’s arms firmly and tried to tug the man towards him, sickened by the scream of agony filling the room, but it was too late. The bottom half of him had been crushed by the door, his body severed in two.

Gordon pulled what was left of Benrey away from the door and, shit, there was no way Benrey could survive this but Gordon had to do something. Tommy had taken off his lab coat and handed it to Gordon who put it over the area where Benrey’s legs were supposed to be, should have been, were just seconds before, but there would be no way to stop the bleeding. Gordon knew that.

Benrey had lost consciousness, likely from the pain, and so even if he was still barely alive Gordon knew he couldn’t hear when he said “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

What Gordon didn’t hear, though, as the sounds around him faded into nothing, was Tommy echoing those words next to him, hands over his mouth. What he didn’t see was Bubby, standing near Dr. Coomer, pure shock on his face as he silently formed the word “no”, just once.

Dr. Coomer called it a minute later when Gordon weakly announced that he stopped feeling a pulse. Not that Dr. Coomer was a medical professional, but they were lacking those at the moment, and Dr. Coomer was the closest thing. Benrey didn’t get the luxury of an official, legal time of death. “He’s gone. There’s nothing we can do for him, Gordon.”

Shaking, Gordon tightened his hold on Benrey’s body and shook his head. Tommy let out a sob and fell to his knees next to Benrey’s body, reaching out to grab his lifeless hand.

“We can’t leave him here,” Gordon said, his voice trembling. “He just died trying to make sure we all made it, we can’t just leave him.”

“Gordon, we can’t take him with us. You know that’s not logical-”

“I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT’S LOGICAL, COOMER!”

Gordon clung to Benrey’s body tighter, ready to do whatever he could to convince the others to take Benrey, but they didn’t have time to argue. Aliens flooded the room where the team was gathered around Benrey’s body. Bubby pulled Tommy up off the ground as Dr. Coomer shot at the beasts, trying to keep them away. “Gordon, get up! We have to go!”

No. Fuck that. “I’m not leaving Benrey behind!”

Bubby, supporting a grief-stricken Tommy with one arm, wrapped the other around Gordon and pulled him away from Benrey.

“No. No! Bubby let me go! LET ME GO!”

Oh. He was crying.

“...There’s nothing we can do for him, Gordon, aside from staying alive.” Bubby’s voice was quiet. “Make sure he didn’t die in vain.”

This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Benrey, who had only moments before been joking around, teasing Gordon for getting so stressed about the team’s quirks, was...

Was...

They rounded the corner, with Gordon still fighting to escape Bubby’s grasp, and Benrey’s body was out of view.

* * *

Hmm.

...

...

...No, this won’t do.

Get up, Benrey.

Breathing burned. Thinking... thinking burned, too. He had been unconscious, right? He should go back to that. Nothing hurt when he was unconscious. Nothing...

Don’t test my patience, Benrey.

The voice, if it counted as one, startled Benrey awake. The burning in his body subsided as he caught his breath, panting as if he’d woken up from a nightmare. He looked around...

Where was he? And... where was he?

Now, that’s... better.

Benrey growled, a few notes of low-pitched Sweet Voice escaping. Red to black, prepared to attack. “What the fuck do you want.”

Come, now, Benrey, I just... saved your life. You may... wish to exercise more... gratitude, towards those who... do you a favor.

He pushed himself up from where he’d been lying and, shit, that’s a lot of blood he was in. Saved his life... fuck, that was his blood, huh? Yet... Benrey was unscathed.

He looked around the room and, there he was, in the shadowy corner. Benrey met the eyes of the man he hated more than anything. “I said, what the fuck do you want.”

The G-man smiled, and it made Benrey feel sick. That smile was rare, and it never meant anything good.

I have... managed to revive you because I believe... I may have a new purpose for you.

“Oh, yeah? Well guess what? I’m done with you. I’m done. With, like. All this shit.” Benrey stood up, slowly, and what happened came back to him. Right. Legs. Door. Crushing. Dying. Shit, man, was that why the entire bottom half of him felt numb? “So, leave me alone. Go... go fuck off to whatever fucking void you’re from. I’m going to go find Tommy and Gordon and-”

Ah, yes... Gordon... It is my... understanding that the two of you have grown... rather close, I would say, in the days you’ve been here.

Benrey hated his voice. He hated how it seemed to come from everywhere, like he was projecting his thoughts rather than speaking. “Why does that matter. Why would you be interested in that.”

The G-man said nothing.

“Well?!” His patience was running thin. Normally he had quite a firm grasp on his emotions, but with the G-man...

...You are correct, in that... you will be returning to your... companions. However... you will be there not to... assist them in their goals, but rather to... assist me, with mine.

Benrey scoffed. “Like I’d do shit for you.”

Remember our... agreement, Benrey. I still believe you would be... far more interesting... dead rather than alive.

Benrey shivered. Their agreement... he’d almost forgotten, somehow. How could that be?

“Then why revive me? Huh? I was already dead, you could have taken my corpse and done whatever fucked up science shit you wanted with me.” And, despite his best efforts, Sweet Voice escaped with the end of that sentence. Gray to pear, I’m scared. Always rhyming. For Tommy.

I believe... you may be... useful to me, if you... cooperate. I need you to-

Benrey was losing his mind. “No you don’t! You don’t need me for shit! All you want is your pretty little alien toy back to fuck with some more!”

Believe it or not, Benrey, this... mission has very little to do with... my interest in you and your... nature . In fact, I was... considering simply using your... dear friend, Tommy... but would he go through with it? I was... unsure. He is... loyal to me, however, betrayal is... not in his nature.

“And it is in mine?”

I remember a time you would do... anything to achieve your goal of self preservation. I am... willing to bet... that goal still drives you. With that in mind, I... have decided... in exchange for your continued existence, you will... betray Gordon Freeman.

The name caught Benrey off guard, wiping the retort he had prepared from his mind completely. Betray Gordon? He glared at the unmoving man, still as a statue, and took a step forward. “Freeman? What the hell do you want from him? Out of all of us, he’s the... well, he’s normal. He wasn’t born down here or experimented on or whatever else.”

Exactly why he is... perfect for the role that must be... filled.

“And I’m assuming you won’t tell me what that is.”

I have no reason to... trust you with that kind of... information.

Fuck, Benrey didn’t know what to do. Betraying Gordon was definitely on his list of things Benrey was opposed to. “What if I refuse?”

Then it is... the end of the line, for you...

Benrey laughed, not a happy one but triumphant. “Well. Uh. I don’t actually give a shit about myself, anymore, so, like, threatening me isn’t gonna-”

And Tommy.

Benrey’s eyes went wide. “WHAT? No. No, you, you wouldn’t. I don’t- Tommy, he- he acts like your son, you wouldn’t-”

You... underestimate my... need, for Gordon Freeman. Tommy is... loyal to me,as i said, and a... useful pawn. But... sometimes, a pawn must be... sacrificed... in order to reach checkmate.

Benrey was trembling, with rage, with fear, with pain. “So, either I refuse to do as you say, and get myself and Tommy, who has done NOTHING WRONG, who TRUSTS you, killed... or, I betray Gordon, and you... what?”

I assure you, my intention is not to... harm Mr. Freeman. He is... required alive, for my... purposes.

Benrey shook his head. “Right, even if I believe that, you’ll uhhh... you’ll torture him or hurt him or something, I know you. I know what kind of immoral bastard you are.”

It’s your decision, Xen-01, you-

“Don’t FUCKING call me that.” Benrey felt like the air had been knocked out of his lungs. He heard air whoosh past his ears, for some reason, and-

Oh.

Benrey had his hands on the G-man. For real. He had actually, truly, managed to dart forward and grab the man’s shoulders, shoving him hard against the wall.

He’d never been able to do that.

Out of shock, Benrey dropped the man, and watched as the G-man’s form disappeared, like an apparition fading into the shadows, but not without one final message.

Make your choice, Benrey.

Once every trace of the G-man was gone, Benrey dropped to his knees and started crying, Sweet Voice filling the room.

Gray to pear, I’m scared. Blue to gold honey, I’m very sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me! :D


	4. Grief and Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon's going through it. The hallucinations (if that's what they even are) aren't helping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: references to the stuff that happened last chapter, hallucinations, I think that's it but let me know!

Gordon couldn’t sleep.

The past... day? Had it been a day? More? Less? He didn’t fucking know, and it really didn’t matter, they were just defining what a day was based on when they got tired and went to sleep, which meant nothing when they were in an underground facility which apparently didn’t contain clocks, and Gordon was fed up.

He wanted to collapse, but the second the group stopped, he found himself wanting to get up and keep moving.

Because as soon as he sat down, his mind went back to Benrey.

It was easy when they were moving, to stop thinking about it, to focus on fighting enemies and pushing forward, trying to escape the hell they were in. But now that they paused their journey, there was nothing to keep him from remembering how just one night before he had sat up with Benrey as the rest of the team fell asleep, talking, bonding, feeling things, somehow, because no matter how annoying Benrey was, he was also...

Gone. What Benrey used to be didn’t matter, how Gordon had felt didn’t matter, because Benrey was gone.

He should have been prepared. For the amount of death they’d faced, as a group, over the days they’d been in post-Res Cas Black Mesa, Gordon should have expected to lose a member of the team.

But it fucking hurt. Not just because of how close he’d become with Benrey, but also because he was the leader. He should have stopped what happened, somehow. Made sure everyone got to the other side without...

Gordon took a deep breath. His heart ached as he found himself wishing for some Sweet Voice, and he felt like he was going to vomit as he realized that there would be no more Sweet Voice, ever again.

Coomer and Bubby were out, with Coomer holding Bubby in his arms, and distantly Gordon wondered if there was a part of Bubby that blamed himself, since Benrey had tried to hold the door open for him. He shook that thought away, though. Bubby didn’t feel remorse or have regrets, at least as far as Gordon had seen. Besides, that wouldn’t make sense, for Bubby to blame himself for something that had, mostly, been Tommy’s fault.

And, god, Tommy...

Gordon knew Tommy was trying and failing to fall asleep, too, but he didn’t know if Tommy was aware of Gordon’s shared insomnia. So Gordon lay in silence long enough that Tommy must have assumed he was asleep, because the other man started crying.

Shit.

Gordon sat up and Tommy, propped up against a wall, startled. “I- I’m s-sorry, Mr.- Mr. Freeman, I- I didn’t mean- mean to w-wake you...” Tommy’s stutter was worsened as he tried to speak through his sobs.

“I wasn’t asleep,” Gordon answered, barely more than a whisper.

Tommy’s mouth formed an “oh”, but no sound came out. He then swallowed, fighting his tears, and shit, the staying up at night was a thing with Benrey and now that Benrey was gone Gordon didn’t want to... to ruin it by sharing that with someone else, but he couldn’t just leave Tommy like this.

Gordon stood up, walked over to where Tommy sat, and joined him on the floor, back against the wall.

“...It- it’s my fault.”

Gordon hummed. “Why did you press that button, Tommy?”

Shaky breaths. Tommy was trembling. “I... I thought that, maybe, if- if we cl-closed the doors, that, it would help, help keep any a-aliens we had missed, behind us, from... from catching up. I, I didn’t know th-that Benrey...” And with the name, Tommy broke into more tears.

“...Tommy, I know you knew Benrey a lot better than I did, and a lot longer, but... I don’t think he would blame you, y’know...”

Tommy was silent aside from his tears, which he fought to get under control again. Gordon debated patting his companion on the back or something, some form of comfort, but decided against it. Tommy was an adult. If he wanted support in that form, he would ask for it. And it was likely that wasn’t what he wanted, Gordon thought. He wasn’t a child. “We- we were... together. B-before this.”

Oh.

That made a lot of sense.

Gordon wasn’t an idiot. He’d seen the way Benrey had looked at Tommy when he thought no one was paying attention, a combination of longing and sadness and, hidden, like it wasn’t meant to be there, like Benrey had tried to force it out, anger. “You broke up with him.” It wasn’t a question, Gordon realized. It was a statement, because he already knew he was right. Tommy confirmed it with a nod, though.

“I... sometimes blamed myself for- for hurting him... but I- I just, I just didn’t love him like- like that, anymore, and I didn’t want to, to, to force anything...”

Tommy closed his eyes.

Gordon sighed. “Tommy, I’m shit at relationships, but... if you’re being harder on yourself because you think Benrey died hating you or something... I know he didn’t.”

Tommy didn’t answer.

“I’m serious, Tommy. Benrey cared the most about you out of everyone on this team.”

Tommy shook his head. “He- he cared about y-you, Mr. Freeman.”

Gordon laughed softly. “I guess so. But you were his best friend. I couldn’t compete with that.”

“Mmm.”

Tommy sat with his eyes closed, offering no other comments, and it took a few minutes for Gordon to realize Tommy had fallen asleep.

Gordon sighed. He doubted he would be able to do the same. Instead of attempting, he decided to take watch. Benrey... Benrey wasn’t... there, anymore, to do that. So. It was up to Gordon, now.

And it was a good fucking thing Gordon didn’t fall asleep, because soon there was a... a... what the fuck were they even naming things, he was too fucking sleep deprived and emotional, but whatever, he took care of it with his crowbar, doing his best not to wake anyone... but he heard more aliens down the hall.

Leaving the team in the room where they slept, Gordon traversed cautiously down the hallway, into a new room where Black Mesa was doing god knows what, full of barrels of something, alongside plenty of aliens.

He pulled out his gun, and started firing.

Then he stopped firing.

Not because the enemies were all dead. Not even close.

It was because he heard a sound he never thought he would hear again.

And as he turned around, there it was: a skeleton spitting out Black Mesa Sweet Voice.

Gordon didn’t have time to pay attention to the colors. As soon as he registered what he was seeing, he fired directly at the skeleton’s skull until... it vanished.

There were no traces of it. The Sweet Voice didn’t linger in the air, there were no bones on the ground. Nothing.

Gordon stared at the spot where the skeleton had been and almost got killed by a headcrab that jumped at him while he was turned away. Shit, right, aliens. Gotta kill the goddamn aliens and stop thinking about Benrey. Fuck. Was he being haunted? Was he being stalked by Benrey’s ghost? What the fuck? Was he hallucinating? Was this from lack of sleep? Stress?

God, he wanted out of here.

He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home and be with his son and for everything to be okay.

He shot another meaningless alien.

Nothing would ever be okay again.

He was never going to recover from this.

They were still so far from the surface.

* * *

The skeleton was following him.

He hadn’t slept in over 48 hours so he was fairly certain it was a hallucination. The others couldn’t see it.

There was still a part of him that thought it was Benrey’s ghost, haunting him. The damn thing even spoke to him once, with Benrey’s voice.

Gordon felt like he was going insane. He tried to avoid thinking about Benrey, not wanting to process that he was gone, and suddenly Benrey was all he could think about. He saw skeletons everywhere, heard Sweet Voice echoing around the facility, and every time he closed his eyes he saw Benrey’s body.

But he tried to ignore it. He shot at it when he saw it, talked to it sometimes even to see if it would react or respond, but there was nothing.

Gordon felt like he was genuinely going insane.

Every time he pointed the skeleton out to the Science Team, they acted like there was nothing there. Gordon didn’t understand how that was possible. It hadn’t been that long, had it? Certainly the amount of time they’d been in Black Mesa hadn’t been long enough that he could have developed full hallucinations. Right?

He still couldn’t sleep. He felt like the skeleton would watch him if he tried, and that scared him.

God, and wasn’t that ridiculous?

Gordon had always considered himself a logical and rational person, but this was... not that. At all. It even got to the point where Tommy asked him if he was okay. Yeah. He was concerning Tommy with how much he was talking about skeletons that weren’t there.

So he decided to ignore it.

If he didn’t pay attention to the skeleton, then maybe it would stop.

And it worked, kinda. Gordon was a lot more focused when he started telling himself that the skeleton wasn’t real. That he was imagining things, and that he should focus on what was real instead. He focused on getting out of Black Mesa, and ignored the skeleton, and definitely ignored any thoughts of Benrey. He couldn’t sleep, but he didn’t need to. Adrenaline kept him going.

It was better.

He was doing better.

Gordon reached the point where he had himself convinced that the skeleton was fake, that it had nothing to do with Benrey’s ghost and that it was a result of trauma. Which wasn’t exactly comforting, but it was better than the fear of being haunted.

No skeleton. No Benrey.

Gordon was okay.

And then...

“Hey, you’re not supposed to be in here.”

It had to be a hallucination. Gordon had called down an elevator and when it had arrived, Benrey was standing on it, in the center, in one piece.

This couldn’t be real.

“What are you doing here?”

Gordon could barely breathe.

Barely aware of what he was doing, he stepped towards Benrey, reached his hand towards Benrey’s shoulder, and gasped when he made physical contact.

Unless he had seriously lost it, Benrey was real. Benrey was real, and alive, and looking at him with the most puzzled expression Gordon had ever seen on the man. “Hey uhhhhh. What are you doing?”

“You’re real.”

“Huh?”

Gordon laughed. “You’re real. You’re...” He pulled Benrey into a hug, still laughing, except he was crying, oh, those were tears on his face. Huh.

He felt Benrey stiffen, like he was uncomfortable with the sudden physical contact. Oops. Gordon pulled back, and shook his head, still crying. “How are you even alive?”

Benrey frowned. “Not sure what you mean by that.”

Gordon stared. The fuck was Benrey doing? “Uh, you died? Your, like, whole body got split in half, bro!”

He met Benrey’s eyes, for less than a second, not long enough for Gordon to truly see, truly understand, but it was enough time for Gordon to find eerie blankness in them. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m going to have to follow you.”

Gordon wanted to scream. “Benrey, don’t fucking play dumb with me. Please. I’ve been losing my mind, man, please don’t make me question my sanity any more than I already am.”

Benrey was silent for far too long before responding. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I died how could I be here, huh?”

Gordon was about to respond that he didn’t know how, that’s why he was asking Benrey to explain, when the rest of the science team rounded the corner to see Benrey, in the flesh.

He heard Tommy gasp, followed by footsteps until Tommy was there, next to Gordon, staring at Benrey with tears in his eyes. “Benrey, I-”

“Heyyyyyyy so are we gonna go? Keep moving? Go time?” Benrey asked, and suddenly Gordon wanted to punch him. Or scream. Or both.

How was Benrey alive? Why wouldn’t he answer questions about his death, which definitely happened? Why did he cut off Tommy before he had the chance to say anything?

Why wouldn’t Benrey look at them?

After a beat too long, Bubby spoke up. “I agree! We need to move forward because if I spend a minute longer in this goddamn lab than I need to, something will be blown up.”

Bubby’s voice sounded strained, though, and he rushed through his words too quickly. Maybe Gordon had been right, about Bubby feeling responsible for what happened to Benrey.

Gordon couldn’t process what was happening, so he gave in. “Fine. Let’s keep moving.” He would talk to Benrey later, when everyone else was asleep.

* * *

So Bubby felt guilty about what happened?

Benrey felt a plan forming in his mind, a way to ensure his deal with the G-man would be fulfilled.

He was definitely never going to forgive himself for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone saying fuck G-man after last chapter: I agree and also just wait, you'll hate him more later. :)


	5. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team moves forward, but no one is blind to Benrey's change in character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:  
> \- Violence between two of the characters (if you need specific check the end notes because it's a small spoiler)  
> \- Manipulation/Gaslighting
> 
> Long chapter yay

Gordon felt like he was losing his mind.

After days (was it days?) of hallucinations, Benrey was back, acting like nothing had ever happened. Whenever Gordon tried asking about it, or how Benrey was alive, or about the fucking skeleton even, Benrey gave a small laugh, he would say almost worried if Gordon didn’t know better, and Benrey would change the subject.

Gordon considered, briefly, that Benrey had forgotten what happened to him. He’d come back to life somehow, and had no idea he had even died. As far as Gordon knew, people didn’t come back from the dead, so maybe the amnesia was a side effect of fucking resurrection?

But that theory was proven wrong by the way Benrey was acting. He remembered everything up to the fire doors, and if Gordon asked him about it in a way that caught Benrey off guard, he hesitated before denying he knew anything.

Benrey was also acting weird.

Gordon had gotten used to the bond they’d formed, joking around and fucking with each other and having fun, helping each other hold on to some of their sanity during the nightmare that was Black Mesa. The whole reason why he had formed that fucking crush on Benrey was because Gordon hadn’t felt understood like this since... his husband passed away. Benrey knew exactly what to say, and even though the man wasn’t exactly an expert on verbal reassurance, Gordon didn’t need or want someone who wanted to sit down and talk about emotions. Everyone needed that from time to time, but for a situation like this, he needed to keep his mind off of the horrors as much as possible until they were past them. And Benrey helped with that. They had never discussed it, but Benrey always knew the perfect moment to make a joke, poke fun at Gordon, distract him from the hell that was and continued to be their reality. And Gordon hoped he was helping Benrey in the same way, though Benrey never seemed as disturbed by the circumstances as Gordon. But still, Gordon did his best to return the favor, joking along with Benrey and seeing how much shit they could fuck up.

That had all vanished when Benrey returned.

Benrey still “poked fun” at Gordon occasionally, but it was meaner, a lot more insulting and a lot less friendly. Like Benrey was purposefully antagonizing him, instead of just being his usual quippish self. And when Benrey wasn’t doing that... he basically ignored Gordon altogether.

He was doing the same to Tommy.

Gordon knew why Benrey acted in the way he did toward Tommy now, but before they’d still been friendly with each other, even if Benrey had obvious discomfort at times. Now, though, he was treating Tommy the same way he had started treating Gordon. Worse, even, if Gordon was being honest. If Benrey had started being mean to Gordon, he was being downright cruel to Tommy.

“Benrey... I- uh- even- even if you don’t re-remember, I-I’m, I’m s-sorry, for, for what happened to you...”

Benrey was silent at that for several moments, before turning away from Tommy. “Yeah, well, you should be.”

The face Tommy made at that was enough for Gordon to grab Benrey’s shoulder and force him to turn around, meeting his eyes (or trying to. Benrey was looking at the floor). “What the hell is your deal?!”

“M’dunno what you mean.”

Gordon shook his head. “Unbelievable. Don’t fucking treat Tommy like that!”

Tommy spoke before Benrey could reply to that, though Gordon doubted Benrey was planning to. “Mr.- Mr. Freeman, it’s... it’s fine, you don’t h-have to... to do that.”

Gordon looked between Benrey and Tommy, debating internally for a moment. Tommy looked emotionally wrecked, but Gordon knew Tommy could handle himself. He was an adult. If he didn’t want Gordon to intervene, then Gordon wasn’t going to.

“Fine.” Gordon released Benrey and kept walking, ignoring the looks from Coomer and Bubby.

* * *

Benrey almost fucking walked into the electrified water.

If Gordon hadn’t been paying attention and pulled Benrey away at the last second, his friend (were they friends anymore?) would have been a corpse on the ground again.

Images of the last time that happened flashed through his mind. He felt sick. Benrey was being an asshole, but Gordon didn’t want him to die. Again, he added internally, because there was no way Benrey didn’t die from that.

Benrey pushed Gordon off of him. “What the hell, bro?”

Gordon pointed at the water. “It’s electrified, bro! If you walked in that, you would have fucking died!”

The shadow over his eyes made it hard to tell, but Gordon could swear Benrey’s eyes darkened, almost like that’s what he meant to happen.

“...Don’t fucking touch me.”

Gordon had to hold in a groan, and also the sinking feeling inside of him. What happened to sitting next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, finding comfort in each other during the bad nights?

The team stopped to rest shortly after what could have been another tragedy, and as the team settled down to sleep, Gordon pulled Benrey into an adjacent room to confront him. “Okay, I’ve put up with your bullshit all day because I don’t know what your deal is, if you’re traumatized, or hallucinating, or genuinely have no idea what happened, or if you’re just fucking with us. But we’re alone now, and you’re going to talk.”

Benrey still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “...Why are you doing this, uh, pulling me into a closet... it’s kinda... kinda gay, bro. Are you gay? Gordon Freeman gay moments?”

Gordon punched him.

Benrey yelped as he crumpled to the ground, obviously not expecting it. Gordon had nailed him right in the face, and suddenly he worried that he had broken Benrey’s nose. The man was definitely holding his face and, fuck, there was blood. Gordon felt shitty, maybe he shouldn’t have done that... no, Benrey deserved that, for the way he’d been acting. “What is your problem?” Gordon nearly yelled at Benrey.

And... Benrey met his eyes for the first time since he’d retured. He slowly lowered the hand away from his face, his nose bleeding, the thick dark liquid starting to drip down his face. Gordon was momentarily distracted, noticing that the blood was not quite the right color. It was dark, but the tint wasn’t red. He couldn’t see it clearly enough to tell, but it looked almost black. “Yeah, shouldn’t I say that to you, asshole?” Benrey said, sounding like his nose was stuffed.

Gordon scoffed. “Okay, right, I’m the asshole. The way you’ve been treating me and Tommy all day doesn’t count, then?”

Benrey looked away again. “Dunno what you mean.”

Gordon wanted to hit something again. “Stop bullshitting me!” he shouted, letting himself get pissed, wanting to see how far he could go before Benrey broke. “You think I wasn’t going to notice? The way you’ve been acting since you got back is worlds away from how you were before! And, fuck Benrey, if something happened and it’s fucking with you and you’re acting like this because you’re not okay, then tell us! Pretending what happened to you was nothing isn’t going to help, okay?” Gordon paused to inhale, and noted that Benrey looked absolutely terrified. But Gordon wasn’t done. “You know, Tommy and I put ourselves through hell after we thought you died. I blamed myself, Tommy definitely blamed himself, and then you come back and start treating us like shit! And if you’re mad at us, if you blame us, I get it, okay, but tell us! Tell us what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling because this is not okay! This is selfish and cruel and, god, Benrey, you know we’re going through hell so why the fuck are you contributing to that?!”

Benrey was still on the floor, supporting himself with his hands behind him pushing him away from the cold surface, his eyes wide and... were those tears? He was shaking... but he said nothing.

Gordon sighed. “Look, Benrey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for punching you and I’m sorry for getting pissed. I... I think I have every right to get upset, but I went too far.” Gordon extended his hand to Benrey, who accepted it with his non-bloody hand and allowed Gordon to pull him to his feet.

Benrey was looking at the floor again. “...Kinda fucked up that you punched me.”

“...I know. I’m sorry.”

Benrey shifted a little. “...Uh, you should, like... go to bed? You gotta be tired, bro, uh...”

Gordon sighed. Benrey wasn’t going to acknowledge anything Gordon had said, huh? Gordon didn’t know what he expected. But, hey, Benrey seemed like he was holding back on acting like an asshole for a moment, and... it was the fear in Benrey’s eyes that made Gordon let it go.

“...I still can’t sleep.”

“...Oh.”

The men stood next to each other in the small room and, huh, it really was basically a closet. Benrey fidgeted with his hands, his mouth opening slightly as if he wanted to say something, but he closed it and turned slightly away from Gordon.

Gordon closed his eyes. He fucked up, huh? He shouldn’t have gotten so pissed. He was... still mad, but somehow not as much anymore. “Is your nose okay?”

Benrey just made a humming noise, not telling Gordon anything useful about the state of his nose. Gordon looked over at Benrey, who was now turned completely away from Gordon, looking at the wall like he was spacing out.

“Come here,” Gordon said, and he opened the door to the closet, leading Benrey (who miraculously followed) through the room where their friends were lying. Tommy gave them a look, and Gordon realized the Science Team had probably heard everything that Gordon had yelled to Benrey. Gordon gave him a “wait” gesture as subtly as possible. We can talk later. Tommy then looked at Benrey, and his eyes widened at the sight of the blood before returning his gaze to Gordon and nodding. Later.

He exited the room with Benrey close behind, and the pair walked down the hall a short distance to an unused med station the team had passed earlier. “Here.”

Benrey looked at the kit, puzzled, before fixing himself up. His nose was a little crooked, and the blood still stained his face, but if Benrey’s tentative hand feeling his nose was any indication, the kit had done its job. Benrey’s nose was healed.

“Uh. Thanks.” Still looking away.

Gordon debated asking the question that he really wanted to ask, far more than any of the things he’d shouted at Benrey back in the closet. He decided to hold onto it. Now was not the time to ask if Benrey felt the same way for Gordon as he felt for Benrey, especially since Gordon wasn’t sure what he felt anymore. He was too conflicted.

Benrey had apparently noticed that Gordon wanted to say something, though, because he spoke up. “Uh, I can still do the, uh, thing, with the Sweet Voice, if you want to go to sleep...”

Gordon was shocked that Benrey was still offering that. “You sure?”

“Yeah, uh, it’s no big deal.”

Gordon considered it and decided that he’d rather be able to fall asleep than go another day in this hell sleep deprived and delirious. He nodded, and the sound of the Sweet Voice filled the air.

Despite everything, the sound was still comforting, and not just because it made him tired.

Gordon and Benrey walked back to the room in silence, and Gordon was asleep nearly the moment he laid down.

* * *

Benrey hated everything about this situation.

He hated how he’d tried to push Gordon and Tommy away, if they hated Benrey then it would be easier. Plus, in a twisted way, he rationalized his actions by blaming this mess on his friends. G-Man told him to choose between Gordon’s freedom and Tommy’s life. That meant it was Gordon and Tommy’s faults. No Gordon or Tommy, no problems.

Benrey knew this wasn’t true, but rationalizing it in that way kept him sane, even if it hurt like hell.

He had committed to it. He was going to make Tommy and Gordon hate him, while getting closer to Bubby to be able to manipulate him (a plan he had yet to begin but was making plans for). Gordon and Tommy would be less hurt by Benrey’s betrayal of Gordon since they would hate him, and the betrayal would work because Bubby would be helping.

That was the plan.

It was plan B, though. Plan A, which had come to Benrey’s mind when he saw the electrified water, was easy.

No Benrey to decide to betray Gordon or not meant Gordon and Tommy would both be safe.

He thought it had been long enough, that Gordon hated him enough that he would be pleased to see Benrey trying to off himself. But for some fucking reason, Gordon pulled Benrey away from the water and went on about not wanting what happened to Benrey before to happen again.

Benrey hadn’t been doing enough.

Gordon didn’t hate him.

So when Gordon pulled Benrey aside, Benrey knew that he had to make Gordon hate him. That’s why he made the gay comment (that and, if only that could have been true. If only Gordon was pulling him into a closet so they could make out in privacy). But it worked too well. Gordon punched him, which Benrey was wholly unprepared for, and then yelled at him.

The whole experience caught Benrey so off guard that all he could do was look up at Gordon, who looked fucking terrifying standing above Benrey like that, not knowing what to do.

Benrey wanted to cry. He wanted to cry as he looked into those green eyes, eyes that had been full of joy the last time they’d met his, eyes that now burned with hatred. Eyes that looked that way because of him.

And Benrey felt himself cracking, it hadn’t even been a day yet and he was already unable to handle this. How the hell was he going to betray Gordon when all he wanted was to wrap Gordon up in his arms and carry him out of Black Mesa safely and ensure that his eyes never had to look this way again?

He needed to try harder.

He almost started crying with that realization. He got Gordon to hate him, but Benrey had to hate Gordon, too, and Benrey couldn’t do that. He couldn’t.

Then, for some reason, Gordon’s voice dropped into a lower, softer tone, and he apologized and Benrey was so caught off guard he could barely register it. Gordon was apologizing for hating Benrey? No, that wasn’t right. That wasn’t supposed to be how this went. Gordon was supposed to get mad and leave Benrey there, fuck, how was Benrey fucking this up so much?

He didn’t want to stop fucking it up. He was selfish like that.

So, ignoring everything Gordon said and deflecting the conversation once more, but not denying any of it this time, Benrey allowed himself to be led to the med station.

The look Tommy gave him as they passed, a combination of hurt and worry and anger and confusion, almost broke Benrey all over again.

His nose felt better after being fixed, and Benrey tested it gently with his fingers to ensure that yes, it was no longer broken.

Gordon was still standing there.

Gordon was still standing there and he looked like he wanted to say something but he hesitated and, oh, Gordon had mentioned he couldn’t sleep.

Benrey shouldn’t do this.

Benrey did it anyways.

He sang to Gordon, Calming him Down, and they walked back to the room in silence. Gordon was out almost immediately. Benrey looked over at Tommy, unsure of if Tommy was awake still, but he didn’t want to risk waking his... his ex (not friend, they couldn’t be friends now). Instead, he looked over at Coomer and Bubby, the way they were holding on to each other with their limbs tangled up. The two loved each other, it was disgusting. But... returning his gaze to Gordon, Benrey couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to hold Gordon like that, and maybe Benrey didn’t need sleep but he could try, would try if he had that...

Fuck. Benrey couldn’t be feeling like this. He needed to go.

Picking up the nearest gun, he exited the room to watch for threats while his friends companions slept.

* * *

Bubby woke up first, which was perfect. Benrey hated it.

“You’re always awake first, why is that?” Bubby asked, and Benrey shrugged without acknowledging it.

“Hey uhhhh you know how Freeman has kinda become the, uh, leader of our little group?”

Bubby crossed his arms. “Yes, and while I don’t always agree with him, I support him and trust him to get us out of here. And I don’t want to get involved in whatever shit the pair of you have going on, that Tommy’s involved in for some reason.” Bubby turned to leave.

“Wait!” Benrey said hurriedly, and Bubby turned back around. “Uhhhhhh I’m not bringing you into our ‘shit’. I just wanted to know how you felt about him, n’ shit.”

Bubby rolled his eyes. “I just told you. I support him even if he is a moron sometimes.”

“Moron is an understatement.”

Bubby’s eyes narrowed as he focused on Benrey. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Benrey shrugged again. “I mean, y’know, you’ve seen how he’s been treating me, right?”

Bubby glared at him. “You mean, he’s been giving you back all the shit you’ve been giving him?”

Benrey cringed internally. “Is that what it looks like?”

“Yes, it is!”

Benrey was going to hate himself for this. He had to convince Bubby that Gordon was the one in the wrong, here. “Look, I’m getting all pissed and shit at him because, like, there’s a reason I don’t want to talk about how I fucking died,” he said and with that, Bubby inhaled sharply. He despised himself for it, but he said the magic words. He kept going. “Why do you think I keep changing the topic? And he keeps pushing it, and, that’s like, not a great cool.”

There were several beats of silence as Bubby processed those words. When he spoke, he spoke quietly. “Benrey, what the fuck happened to you?”

“Nunya.”

Eyeroll.

“...I actually don’t want to talk about it. That’s, like, the whole thing.”

Bubby sighed. “Fine.” Then a pause, before, even quieter, “Gordon’s been kinda shitty to you?”

Wordlessly, Benrey nodded. Lying was easier when he didn’t have to use his words.

Bubby’s face softened, and Benrey could see the guilt on his face. “Okay. That’s... not gonna lie, that’s kind of an asshole thing to do.”

“...Yeah.”

They didn’t speak any more, and Coomer got up a few moments later, Bubby leaving Benrey to kiss his boyfriend good morning.

Benrey felt like he was going to be sick, but forced himself to ignore it. He didn’t deserve to feel sorry for himself. Not with what he was planning on doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the warning, Gordon punches Benrey in the face.


	6. There's Nothing There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the deal with Benrey, anyways? Why is he treating the guards like friends, and how is he coming back to life? Also, what does Coomer mean by "there's nothing there"? Coming up in this episode of "if I take a break from writing this I will lose my motivation for it, so the ATLA fic is being put on hold until this one is finished".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNINGS!!! BIG ONES
> 
> Suicide attempt  
> Discussion of religion (specifically the existence of a god or not).  
> Unreality
> 
> Please let me know if I ever miss anything or you need something tagged.
> 
> Also, I don't really like how this one turned out but there's some important information for the story moving forward in this one so. Shrugs

It was the perfect opportunity. Soldiers were attacking the team, and while they were busy, Benrey disarmed one and pulled him aside.

“Look, uhhhhhhhh. I’m not with them.”

The soldier threw a punch at Benrey, which he dodged. “We have orders to terminate anyone we come across.”

Benrey pinned the soldier down like an ant pinned by a twig. Easy. “Hey, uh, you can keep attacking me, or, like, trying to, and I can, uh, snap your neck or something? Or you can do me a favor.” Not a favor. Betraying Gordon was the second to worst outcome, only very slightly better than letting the G-Man kill Tommy. But, fuck, if he didn’t do this than the worse of the two would be the reality and Benrey was in this impossible situation and he really didn’t want to have to be the one to hand over Gordon to the G-Man. So, instead, he was making the soldiers do it.

It took some more convincing, but the soldier apparently valued his life (weren’t they supposed to teach you not to do that in the army? Not that Benrey knew a ton about human bullshit) and accepted Benrey’s deal. In exchange for not aiming to kill Tommy (or Coomer or Bubby, Benrey added on), the soldiers could take Gordon and do whatever they wanted to incapacitate him up until just before killing him. He told them that Gordon was valuable to someone who could repay them in any way they desired, which was more or less true. The soldier, who had brought his friend to listen to Benrey’s deal, accepted, and now Benrey had a plan.

He hated having a plan.

Benrey and the one soldier exited the hidden area of the lab where they had discussed the deal, and, fuck, the “Science Team” was coming around the corner. Of course.

And, for some reason, the soldier turned and shot Benrey in the head.

Benrey heard Gordon scream his name but it was distant, fuzzy, and he wasn’t sure if he’d imagined it or not, but everything was black again, and he couldn’t breathe, and he was dead. Again.

He had no idea how long he was in that void, but when he awoke, his head throbbed but was unharmed, and there was no trace of the Science Team or the soldiers.

Fuck.

They left my body behind again, Benrey noted absently, then forced himself to ignore that. He had gone back to antagonizing Tommy and Gordon, so he shouldn’t be surprised. Plus, if they were being attacked by the soldier, odds are they had to leave quickly. But it still hurt.

How far ahead were they? Benrey had no idea, but... if he could somehow get in front of them, reaching the surface first, he could intercept more soldiers and pass on the message.

He stood up, walked to the nearest wall, closed his eyes, and focused, focused on the wall, focused on the barrier between him and his destination. He pressed his hand against the very hard, very solid surface.

He didn’t like doing this. It was awkward and uncomfortable and he had only done it when he had been forced to. But if he was going to save Tommy’s life, if he was going to deliver on the deal he’d made with the G-Man, he had to.

Inhaling deeply, Benrey pressed his hand further, further, through the wall, until his arm followed, then his torso and his head, until all of his body was inside the void that shouldn’t exist.

He opened his eyes and took in the unfamiliar surroundings, trying to ignore the liquid feeling of his body as he located the surface of Black Mesa and traveled there directly, cutting out what could have been up to hours of labyrinths.

* * *

Benrey had died, again.

Gordon didn’t remember screaming Benrey’s name as he attacked the soldier, somehow missing completely in his rage. He then collapsed to his knees, looking across the divide at Benrey’s limp body, feeling sick. It happened again.

Coomer lifted him to his feet and basically dragged him to where the soldier was. Gordon wasn’t processing a single thing that was happening, though. He didn’t give a shit.

Later, when the soldier was talking about... about fucking Beyblades and the voice over the intercom he had heard a few times now called him for “Passport Inspection”, he was just... numb to it.

For hours, the team traversed Black Mesa, before they finally reached the surface, and that was the first time Gordon had broken out of his shock since Benrey had died the second time.

They made it out.

They actually made it out.

Gordon wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream, because Benrey should be here too, and he wasn’t.

But he was cut off by more guards attacking. The team handled them easily, but it was jarring, startling Gordon out of whatever emotional reaction he had been having.

Then there was the other thing.

Benrey was sitting, right near where the soldiers had been.

Gordon approached him very slowly, his gun drawn.

“Benrey, and don’t give me any bullshit, but are you real?”

Benrey shook his head slightly like dispelling a daydream and met Gordon’s eyes. Nearly. Never directly. “Oh, cool, you guys made it out.”

Gordon fired a shot dangerously close to Benrey’s hand. Benrey didn’t react.

He felt like his brain was turning to mush. His mind was going into overdrive with the amount of questions he wanted to ask, with no idea what to prioritize. How are you alive? How did you get here? Why the fuck are you acting like this? What the hell is going on?

He eventually settled on “What were you doing with those guards?” to which Benrey responded with a fucking joke about them having their passports, and, oh, what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t mess with them, they had their passports. God.

He fired another warning shot at Benrey, who still looked like he was fully dissociating, before telling him to stay put as he talked to the team about what the fuck was happening.

And what was happening was... Benrey was being suspicious as hell.

And Tommy agreed, though both Coomer and Bubby seemed completely unfazed by Benrey’s actions.

Bubby especially.

That... huh.

Whatever. Gordon decided it wasn’t important. Plus...

“Mr. Freeman, I, I think we should, give Benrey ano-another chance.”

Tommy was still friends with Benrey. Tommy knew Benrey the best, and if Tommy trusted Benrey, then Gordon trusted Tommy.

He was going to regret this, wasn’t he?

* * *

Coomer saw the void outside. That... could either be a good thing or a bad thing. Benrey would have to think about how to use that to his advantage. The doctor definitely seemed distressed.

Plus, his bond with Bubby...

Could Benrey manage to manipulate them both?

* * *

There were doors coming down over the windows for the rocket launch, and Gordon wasn’t prepared for them.

Apparently Benrey wasn’t either, because he had been sitting in the window as the door began descending over him, and Gordon had a fucking flashback to the first time Benrey died. He yelped, rushed forward, grabbed Benrey’s arms, and pulled him so quickly away from the window that Benrey couldn’t help but collapse on the ground, unable to get proper footing.

He pulled his arms out of Gordon’s grasp. “Dude what the fuck.”

“Don’t fucking scare me like that!” Gordon yelled, and Benrey’s eyes were blank, emotionless. There was more Gordon had to say, but he was cut off by the sound of Bubby on top of the goddamn rocket somehow, and Gordon could swear he was going crazy.

It was fine, though, because Bubby somehow survived it, and the group settled down to sleep, and Gordon was distracted from his absolute panic over the fact that Benrey almost died, again.

Did dying even have any effect on Benrey? Gordon thought about the weird blood he’d seen. But hadn’t it been red before?

Gordon pulled Tommy aside and asked him about it.

“Oh, uh, that happens, sometimes... his blood can be a, a different color, dep-depending on his, emotions.”

That made no fucking sense, but neither did anything else, so Gordon went with it.

Tommy shrugged. “Yeah, if he’s hurt really bad it’s red, like- like normal, but if he’s more, more scared, or, surprised, than hurt... sometimes, sometimes it’s blue.”

So either Black Mesa did some fucked up experiments on Benrey, or Benrey wasn’t fully human. Gordon wasn’t sure which one was more likely, but either explanation could be a reason for why Benrey seemed incapable of dying.

Gordon thought about how Dr. Coomer had said that there was “nothing there”. What the fuck did that mean? Did that have anything to do with Benrey’s apparent invincibility?

There was something seriously wrong. Either Gordon was trapped in a long, sustained hallucination, or the laws of reality were being broken in more ways than one. He had tried to ignore it, but at the point he was at, pretending it wasn’t happening would probably cause him to miss when something important happened, something that could tell him exactly what was happening with reality.

Everyone started settling down to sleep, except Benrey, of course. The adrenaline draining out of Gordon was enough that he thought he might be able to sleep without the Sweet Voice again, and he didn’t really want to ask for it. So, breaking tradition, Gordon laid down and closed his eyes.

Sleep didn’t come easily, but he was too stubborn, and too afraid of the ways Benrey had been acting, to get up.

\---

“What the fuck do you want?”

The G-Man had brought Benrey into an adjacent room to where the team slept. “What, not even a... ‘hello’, Benrey? Where are your manners?”

Benrey pulled out his gun and aimed it directly at the man. “Uh, left them in Xen, asshole, sure didn’t learn manners from you,” Benrey spat, and the G-Man made a sound of dissapproval.

“That much is... obvious.”

Benrey didn’t want this interaction to go on any longer than it had to. “I said what the fuck do you want.”

The G-Man’s mouth pressed into a thin line. “I was simply... checking on your progress.”

“Yeah, well, I’m making plenty, so can you go now?” Benrey felt sick.

He’d managed to set up communications with the soldiers. They were tracking Gordon using the HEV suit, which the others didn’t know about. They also agreed to kidnap, not kill, Gordon, and to keep the Science Team alive. If they demanded something from the G-Man after turning Gordon over, that wasn’t Benrey’s problem. As long as the promise that they’d get something out of it kept them behaving, Benrey didn’t care.

“Do you mean the soldiers?”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah, like, I totally gained their trust and shit. They’re gonna, like, jump Freeman later and turn them over to you. Easy.”

Not easy.

God, this wasn’t easy. It was the worst thing Benrey had ever done, and Benrey wasn’t exactly a good person.

The G-Man made a sound that was almost a laugh. “You think that has... been your doing?”

What? “Huh?”

“Those soldiers obey me.”

Wha-

Oh.

The G-Man controls everything.

Benrey needs to remember that.

“What, so they’re like puppets or something?”

“...I suppose, you could call them that.”

But... “Well then why the hell did one of them kill me, huh?”

The G-Man definitely laughed that time. “Oh, call it a... favor. I... helped separate you from the others, and... haven’t you been... acting carelessly, since your first death, with the intention of... ending your life, Benrey?”

Fuck. Of course he knew that.

And it was true. Benrey had been putting himself in dangerous situation after dangerous situation, hoping that maybe it would kill him, and maybe he wouldn’t get back up. He had been trying to do it subtly, like with the electrified water, but Gordon had either stopped him, or it hadn’t worked.

And, god, every time Gordon stopped him from getting hurt, the pure panic in his voice cut Benrey deep, hurting him far more than any bullet could. Why did Gordon still care? Why didn’t Gordon hate him? How could he fuck this up so bad?

“You don’t know shit,” was all Benrey could say in response.

“Quite the contrary, Benrey... I know... much about you. More than you... wish I did.”

Benrey fired at the G-Man, and he vanished.

God.

Benrey walked away from the room where the others were sleeping, further into Black Mesa, his grip on the gun tight to try to force his hand to stop shaking. Once he felt he had put enough distance between himself and the rest of the group, Benrey found a large crate and sat on top of it. He had no idea what was in it, if anything, and he didn’t care. He just... needed to sit down for this.

Still holding the gun, Benrey pondered his internal usage of “god”. There was no “god” on Xen, not that he remembered much of his time before being pulled to Earth against his will. Was there a god? If he grew up on Xen, his answer would have been no. Here, though? On Earth? Benrey might have said yes, once, more out of spite than anything else. Yes, there is a god, and that god is responsible for the suffering he went through, the suffering Tommy went through (and, now, the suffering Gordon went through. And Coomer, and Bubby). It was easier to blame someone. And Benrey couldn’t blame the G-Man, despite how most of this was his fault. The G-Man was real. God was not. So it was easier to get mad at god.

The gun felt heavy in Benrey’s hand, the cold metal warmed by his hand. Shaking, Benrey pressed the end of it against his jaw, and closed his eyes.

If there is a god, Benrey pleaded internally, please, let this work. For Gordon and Tommy. Please.

He pulled the trigger.

Benrey woke up again.

He threw the gun away from him in rage. He pushed himself off of the crate where his body had collapsed backwards, only to sit back up again. He tore the crate apart, throwing piece after piece of wood across the room, screaming, crying, cursing.

**“W̸H̴Y̵ ̸W̶O̷N̶'̷T̴ ̶Y̴O̴U̵ ̶L̶E̴T̵ ̵M̶E̶ ̶D̴I̸E̵?̴”**

God did not answer.

Benrey collapsed into a sobbing, shaking mess, unaware of the passage of time. It might have been minutes, but it was probably hours, before he moved, and it was because the small, handheld radio given to him by one of the soldiers went off, asking for an update.

Benrey didn’t answer them.

Instead, he silently rose to his feet, collecting the gun from across the room, and returned to the room where the others slept, peacefully, unaware of what had transpired overnight.

Benrey needed to work on the Bubby thing. The Coomer thing, too, if he could manage it.

He didn’t see another way out of this.


	7. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right there in the title. This has been coming from the beginning.  
> But first, how are Bubby and Coomer doing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!WARNINGS!!!
> 
> Okay if you read the title you know what happens this chapter I don't think I need to warn for that  
> Vomit mention (very brief)
> 
> If I forgot anything let me know!
> 
> Also no one has a good time this chapter...:)

Bubby was getting increasingly annoyed the longer they were in Black Mesa.

Sure, this place was his “home” and he’d technically never left it before, but he sure was ready to now. Unfortunately, when they’d reached the surface, they were forced to retreat right back into the facility.

The only thing keeping him sane was Harold. And maybe the soda.

It was the day after they’d launched the rocket, and Bubby still wasn’t entirely sure what had happened with that. He was on the rocket, going to space... and suddenly, he was on the ground again. It wasn’t fair.

He put those thoughts aside, though, because now they had to find an alternative exit to Black Mesa, and Bubby was pissed.

Oh, well. He trusted that Gordon would lead them out.

Well... kinda.

What Benrey had told him had stayed in the back of his mind. Gordon had been quite shitty to Benrey, and Bubby wasn’t sure he trusted someone like that to lead them out safely. So when Benrey gave him a weird look, lingering towards the back of the group, Bubby realized that the man wanted to speak for some reason, and he joined Benrey a few paces behind Gordon, Tommy, and Harold.

“What do you want?” Bubby asked, still annoyed.

Benrey shrugged, and his voice dropped until it was barely above a whisper. “Look, uh, you know Gordon?”

Bubby frowned. “Yes, I ‘know Gordon’. What about him?”

Benrey shrugged again, and Bubby hated when Benrey did that, because he did it far too often, and honestly Bubby was mad at everything right now. “Y’know uhh. The reason we couldn’t get out, uh, back there. It was because of him.”

Well, that didn’t make sense. “What do you mean?”

Benrey opened his mouth to respond, and a few of those weird, gross bubbles came out. Orange to green. Benrey closed his mouth, cleared his throat, and tried again. “They’re, y’know, after him. They would leave us alone if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re with him.”

Bubby exhaled through his nose. “I’m not sure I believe you.”

Benrey shrugged a third time, and it took all of Bubby’s efforts not to grab him by his shoulders and permanently rearrange his anatomy to keep him from doing that anymore. “Believe what you want, but there was a reason they weren’t attacking me.”

“Well, no shit,” Bubby responded. “Obviously you gave them a reason.”

“...Well, do you want to know what it was?”

Bubby wanted to go back to bed. “I feel like you’re going to tell me no matter what.”

Benrey said, in a low tone, “I told them I wasn’t with Gordon, and they left me alone. They’re not after us, dude, they’re after him.” Benrey frowned. “If he hadn’t shown up, earlier, we could have left Black Mesa back there, when we were at the surface.”

That... well, it made sense, but Bubby didn’t want to believe it. “What is the point in telling me this?”

Benrey quickened his pace, closing the gap that had formed between the pair and the rest of the group. “I mean, don’t you want to get out of here? If we keep Gordon around, how possible is that?”

Benrey... made a good point. It wasn’t a point Bubby liked, but if the reason why they were stuck down here was really Gordon’s fault, then... well, if leaving one of their group members behind granted the four others the ability to leave, didn’t that make sense, mathematically? One life for four?

“...I need time to think about this, Benrey.”

“Suit yourself.” And with that, Benrey sped up more, returning to the rest of the group.

It took Bubby longer, since he was mulling over the conversation he’d just had, but soon he rejoined the group as well.

Harold gave him an odd look. “Is everything alright, professor?”

Bubby wasn’t in the mood to correct his boyfriend. “Yeah, everything’s great. I adore being stuck down here when the surface was right back there.”

Harold gave him a sympathetic smile, sliding their hands together and giving him a comforting squeeze. “We will make it out! I trust in Gordon’s abilities to get us all through this safely!”

Oh, wasn’t that ironic. Bubby let his hand fall out of Harold’s. “...Yeah. I trust him, too,” he lied.

* * *

For some reason, Benrey wanted to talk.

“Hello, Benrey!”

Benrey waved a little, which made Harold want to laugh slightly, since it was so different from his usual mannerisms. “Hey, uhhhh I wanted to talk to you about. Uh, what did you see? Outside?”

Ah.

Harold had been trying not to think about that, because he had been having a mental breakdown since the realization that nothing in their world was real hit him. He needed to focus on the tasks at hand, but it was hard, and the only way he’d managed was by blocking his mind from thinking about that detail in any way.

And then Benrey brought it up. So much for that.

“Well, I’m not sure you want to know!” Harold said, trying to keep his tone cheerful.

Benrey was not cheerful. “You saw the void, didn’t you?”

Harold’s smile faltered. “Uh, I wasn’t aware you knew what it was like out there, Benrey.”

“I’ve seen it.”

That was odd. Why would Benrey have gone past the boundaries of the... game? This was a game? What reason would Benrey have to go somewhere like that?

Benrey continued, “Yeah, uh, I just was curious about what you thought.”

What did Harold think?

“...It was terrifying.”

Benrey hummed, which was... an acknowledgement, but barely. “Why are you still going, then?”

“Hm?”

“Why are you trying to get through Black Mesa,” Benrey asked, “You know it’s not real.”

Harold looked at Bubby, who was several meters ahead, chatting with Tommy enthusiastically and showing off his pyrokinesis by illuminating his finger tips. Tommy looked amazed, and Bubby looked proud, and his arrogance that Harold had grown to love made his heart swell. It was late in life for him to be falling so deeply in love, but that’s what had happened between him and Bubby. They truly loved each other.

“I think that love is real, Benrey. You probably don’t understand that.”

That was obviously not the answer Benrey had expected, because the rhythm of his footsteps faltered slightly. He managed to keep up his pace, though. “So you’re, like, okay with this?”

Gordon took out a few aliens ahead, with Bubby and Tommy supporting him.

“I don’t think I’m okay with this at all,” Harold admitted, “But I don’t think I have much of a choice. Besides, now is not the time to be focusing on it too much. We aren’t safe here. The sooner we leave Black Mesa, the sooner I can have my existential crisis in peace.”

Benrey didn’t seem to know how to respond to that, because he was quiet for a while. Harold looked over and saw him staring directly at Gordon, who was complaining to Tommy about the alien guts that had splattered all over him. Benrey’s gaze was... intense, that was the only word for it, and it was odd, because it was not the type of look Harold expected to be directed at someone covered in blood and organs.

“...Love, huh?” Benrey said, more to himself than to Harold, so Harold didn’t respond. Almost like he was distracted, Benrey walked towards where Gordon was, silently, returning to his position a few meters away.

Harold didn’t know what had happened between Benrey and Gordon, but the way Benrey had said “love” gave him a few ideas.

He smiled to himself. He hoped he’d helped the younger man.

* * *

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, that was a disaster.

Okay, the Bubby thing earlier went okay, but with Coomer, Benrey had totally blown it. Benrey was supposed to be getting Coomer upset about the fact that nothing was real, and find a way to blame it on Gordon. But instead, Coomer started talking about love, and being really gross about Bubby (okay, not really, the two were actually pretty tolerable), and Benrey couldn’t go through with it.

It was clear that the doctor was freaked out about the whole “not real” thing, and Benrey didn’t want to take the one thing he considered “real” away from him.

He groaned at himself.

Oh, well. The help from Bubby would have to be enough.

* * *

There was something up with Benrey and Bubby, and Gordon did not have the emotional energy to worry about it.

The two of them kept whispering to each other, then acting like nothing was going on when Gordon asked what was up. Which Gordon had come to expect from Benrey, but Bubby? They might not have been the best of friends, but Gordon trusted Bubby, if only because he trusted Dr. Coomer.

He was arguing with Benrey, who was antagonizing him again, when Benrey spit some Calm Down at him.

“What the fuck?” Gordon asked, trying to be pissed at Benrey but no longer able to. The Calm Down didn’t make him tired, like it had before, but it did soak up all of the emotions Gordon had been feeling like a sponge.

Benrey didn’t answer.

God, Gordon was ready to be done with this place.

Team morale seemed to be low, which Gordon wasn’t a fan of. He was meant to be the leader, so he needed to make sure everyone was at least somewhat optimistic about their chances of survival.

“Hey, Dr. Coomer, are you doing alright?” Gordon asked, and the doctor gave him a smile, though it seemed... forced.

“Well, Gordon, I think we should reach the Lambda Lab in about three days at this pace!”

Gordon had to fight back a groan. “Well, that’s better than four days, I guess.”

“That’s right!” Okay, Coomer seemed to be doing alright.

Gordon had a question, though. “Hey, uh, Dr. Coomer...”

“Hello, Gordon!”

“Right. Uh,” Gordon didn’t really know how to ask this. “What exactly did you mean, when you said... ‘there’s nothing there’?”

Coomer laughed. “I mean, this is all fake, Gordon! Our reality as we know it is a lie!”

If that alone freaked Gordon out, the hollow grin Dr. Coomer gave him terrified him. “...What does that mean?”

Coomer didn’t answer that. “You have a connection to another world, though, don’t you Gordon?”

“...What?” He had no idea what the scientist was talking about.

“I saw it, in your dreams. There’s a world beyond here, isn’t there, Gordon?”

His dreams? “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, man.”

And with that, Dr. Coomer walked away, like the conversation had never happened.

Benrey was giving Coomer a weird look, which made the anxiety Gordon felt grow even larger.

Whatever. They needed to keep moving. Tommy had made a comment about hazards ahead, which they quickly discovered was two “sharks” in a pit of waste water, which Coomer somehow took out by himself while Benrey was standing very close to the edge of the water, almost like he was begging the sharks to come pull him in. Weird, but Coomer took out the threats, so Gordon didn’t worry too much.

Also, he was fairly certain that if Benrey died, he would come back. Not that it made it any less nerve-wracking to see Benrey tempting death so carelessly.

Like how Benrey got mad at Gordon for killing an alien that had been about to attack him. “Wow, you’re killing a lot of people, aren’t you?”

What? “People? Was that a person?”

Benrey made a weird face, looking back at the corpse, almost like he felt some sort of empathy for it.

Weird.

Gordon thought about the Sweet Voice, and the color-changing blood, and the almost reality-defying shadow that always covered Benrey’s face. Benrey saw this alien as a person...

The group kept moving.

Bubby and Benrey were absolutely whispering... about Gordon.

“What are you two talking about?”

“Huh?” Gordon hated when Bubby played dumb. “Can’t friends talk?”

Gordon sighed. “Whatever. Whatever! Insult me behind my back, or whatever. I’m trying to be a leader here...”

“Exactly,” Benrey replied, and that was strange.

Gordon ignored it. He had shit to do.

Shit like... finding out that the soldiers had been tracking him with the HEV suit.

Fuck.

So he was the reason why the military kept finding them?

Benrey was trying to convince him not to listen to the scientist, though. “Yeah, this guy’s talking reckless. He’s obviously crazy, don’t listen to him.”

“What? No, that was probably the most valuable thing we’ve heard this entire time.”

Coomer spoke up. “Gordon, you’ve been leading the military to us this entire time!”

“Oh, maybe you need to die.”

What the fuck? “Uh, Jesus, Benrey, I’d rather not? Die?”

“Well maybe you’re fucking over the rest of us,” Benrey stated, and, fuck, Gordon had to agree with him, but he was seriously this okay with just offing Gordon?

Then Bubby said something strange. “I thought you knew it was a tracker?”

“What? How would I have known?”

Benrey pulled Bubby off to the side and started whispering to him again, and Gordon’s patience was really being tried.

Thankfully, Tommy spoke up for Gordon. “Hey, we aren’t going to leave Mr.- Mr. Freeman behind, Benrey. He’s, the reason we are almost at the Lambda Lab.”

Benrey and Bubby both gave Gordon a look, like they didn’t fully believe what Tommy had said, and what the fuck was happening? Since when had Gordon’s leadership been questioned?

“I agree, Tommy,” Coomer said, “We should keep moving! If we keep standing here, we will never reach the Lambda Lab!”

That was apparently enough that Benrey and Bubby apparently decided that killing Gordon wasn’t worth it, and, fuck, Gordon was really starting to hate Benrey. He didn’t want to, but the guy wasn’t giving him much of a choice. For the number of times Gordon had saved his life, or at least tried to, Benrey wanted to repay him by killing him? Just like that? And he was definitely plotting something with Bubby...

Gordon scowled as they kept moving.

* * *

They were almost at the place he had told the soldiers to ambush Gordon.

Benrey felt sick. This was the last thing he wanted to do, but... again, he reminded himself, it was Gordon’s freedom or Tommy’s life.

Bubby was fully on board. Benrey hated manipulating the man like this, but... it was to save Tommy’s life.

Gordon kept glaring at him, anger and pain and hatred and confusion in his eyes and, damn, the comment about killing Gordon must have really pissed him off.

Good.

This was easier of Gordon hated him.

They stood by the entrance to the room. Gordon was a bit hurt, and there was a visible medical station on the wall. “Hey, uh, you should. You should go get yourself fixed up,” Benrey said, pointint towards the room, and Gordon gave him a weird look.

“Oh, now you care about my wellbeing?”

Benrey shrugged. “You kinda look like shit. Y’know, like your son,” and, ooh, the look Gordon gave him for that comment made Benrey’s guts feel like spaghetti.

Gordon hating him was better, Benrey told himself.

“Come on, Gordon, no one wants to look at you like this,” Bubby said, also pointing towards the medical station.

Gordon looked between them. “Something weird is going on with you two. I don’t think I trust you guys.”

“Gordon, is there a problem?” Coomer asked, and despite dreading what was about to happen, Benrey silently thanked Coomer for unknowingly assisting Benrey in what had to be done.

Tommy spoke up, too. “They’re, uh, right, Mr. Freeman, you kinda look like- like you could, use one, right now.”

Tommy didn’t know that he was trying to convince Gordon to walk to his doom. Tommy had no idea, and it made Benrey feel guilty on an entirely new level.

Gordon sighed. “Okay, then we can go to the surface, right?”

Benrey nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Gordon walked forward, like it was normal, like there was nothing to worry about, like he wasn’t going to be taken by the G-Man seconds from now. He walked towards the med station like he had with every station before it, completely unaware of what was about to happen to him.

The lights shut off, plunging the team into darkness.

The soldiers came around the corner, barely visible. Bubby pointed towards Gordon. “There he is, get him!”

Benrey cringed at the sound of the soldiers beating Gordon. They were being... almost excessively violent, Benrey felt. All they needed to do was restrain Gordon, not beat the shit out of him.

“What is that man doing?!” Tommy shouted, terrified, and he started moving towards Gordon, so Benrey had to pull him backwards. “Benrey, l-let me go, they’re hurting him!”

“Oh, dear, what are they doing to his-” Coomer tried to say, and before Benrey had a chance to feel guilty about holding Tommy back, his eyes went wide, seeing the soldiers amputate his hand clean off his arm.

“Whoa, I didn’t tell you to do that-” Bubby said, but Benrey cut him off.

“Hey, what the fuck?! You were just supposed to restrain him, dude! Why are you doing that?!”

The soldier who severed Gordon’s hand turned on Benrey. “Yeah, and? He’s still alive. So, what are we getting out of this, huh?”

Benrey felt frozen in place, ears burning from the sounds of Gordon’s screams, which faded as the man fell unconscious. “I- I...”

The soldiers dropped Gordon and started heading for Benrey, who was still holding on to Tommy.

No one ever said Benrey was brave.

He dropped Tommy, who hit the ground with a thud, and ran out of the room, out of Black Mesa, away from everything. He ran until his lungs burned, and then he collapsed, forcing his body to clip through the floor and into the void outside before breaking down.

He did this.

This was his fault.

* * *

It felt like days before the G-Man came and found him, in the void. Benrey had no idea how long it actually was.

“Well... that was... quite the show.”

Benrey didn’t answer.

“I doubt that was... what you were expecting, hm?”

“Fuck off.”

The G-Man did not fuck off. “Unfortunately, I was... unable to extract Mr. Freeman. See... it turns out that his... status, makes it very difficult for me to... interfere, before his role had been... fulfilled.”

Benrey didn’t want to speak, but he needed clarifications. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means, Benrey, that there is a certain... path, that he must take, through Black Mesa... and only once he reaches the end am I able to... extract him.”

That made no goddamn sense. “So you’re telling me...” Benrey started, the pieces beginning to line up. “...You made me betray him, and get his fucking arm cut off, for NOTHING?”

The G-Man did not react to Benrey’s outburst. “I simply... miscalculated.”

“Miscalculated? Miscalculated? His fucking arm is gone, I’m pretty sure that’s permanent, and he’s going to hate me for the rest of eternity, and he got fucking tortured, and you’re telling me that it’s all because you made a fucking mistake?!”

Benrey was breathing heavily, consumed by rage.

“If that is... how you wish to view this, then, yes... I suppose you are correct.”

Benrey did not respond.

“I do believe, though... that this, next assignment, will be... more enjoyable for you.”

“Next assignment?” Benrey glared at the G-Man. “You think I’m going to help you again? After that?!”

The G-Man gave him an apathetic look. “You forget, that Tommy’s life is... still on the line.”

Still? “So you’re still threatening Tommy?”

No reaction.

Fuck.

“What kinds of torture are you going to make me put Freeman through now, huh?”

“None.”

What? “Huh?”

The G-Man flicked his hand, and a room further along in Black Mesa materialized around them. “Your assignment is to... ensure Gordon Freeman’s safety. He must reach the end of his... journey.”

Benrey met the G-Man’s eyes. “And what if I refuse?”

“I would... prefer if you don’t. I am rather... fond, of Tommy.”

Before Benrey fully processed those words, the G-Man had vanished.

Benrey threw up.

How the hell am I supposed to protect Gordon, Benrey thought, when he probably wants me dead now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, well. Hopefully things are looking up from here... Hopefully... maybe... ah never mind we still have all of Xen to get through. These boys don't get a break yet.


End file.
